The Fake Doctor

Is there any news, Esterina? Do you have any advice for me?

Why do you want advice? I have a lot of news for you. Do you know that my uncle is forcing Laurita to marry Hananiá? You can be sure that if she did not love you so much, the marriage contract would already have been signed. But because my cousin and I are such friends, she has shared her secret with me. And because my uncle’s stinginess drove us to total despair, we thought of a trick that would destroy this marriage plan. My cousin pretended to fall ill, and the wretched old man who believes it sent me to fetch a doctor. If you have a friend who knows our secret, let him see her and recommend that she be sent to the country because she needs a change of air. The old wretch will do as he is told and will put her in the little cottage at the edge of our garden. This way, he will remain in his house, while the two of you enjoy yourselves until the wedding.

Sounds very good, but where am I going to find this kind of doctor who would make such sacrifices for my sake? I can assure you that I do not know where to look for a charlatan of this sort.

It has just occurred to me that you could dress your valet as a doctor, because there is nothing easier than fooling our old man.

My valet is stupid and will ruin everything. But since there is nobody else, good or bad, we will have to use him. Goodbye. I am going to look for him. But where the hell am I going to find this fool? Oh look, here he comes!

[To Shelomo] Hello, my unfortunate friend, Shelomo! You can’t imagine how delighted I am to see you! You came exactly at the moment when I needed you most. But since you are not capable of doing this . . .

What am I not capable of doing? Senior, give me any task! Ask me to find out what hour the bell has sounded, or how much oil costs, or tell me to put shoes on a horse and you will see what I am worth and what I am capable of. Do you hear me?

Very good, but this is not what I want from you.

And what do you want? Tell me quickly, there is nothing I am unable to do. Tell me, let’s see. What do you need?

Can you be a doctor?

Be a doctor? I can do everything except this. If this is about medicine, I can’t do anything for you. How the hell do you want me to become a doctor? Are you making fun of me?

I don’t know how, but if you do it, I will give you ten ducats.

Ah! If you give me ten ducats, I won’t say I can’t become a doctor. Don’t look at me now. Believe me, as soon as I dress like a doctor, even those who know me will not recognize me and call for me. But you will see. Where do you want to send me?

To Frederico, whose daughter is ill. But you are so dumb that instead of helping you will [ . . . ]

Enough, have faith in me. I assure you that I can kill a person better than all the doctors, and nobody will say anything to me, because doctors’ mistakes are fixed by graves. But I won’t deny it, it is very difficult to be a doctor. But what if I can’t cure anyone?

What a fool you are! Don’t worry, this is very easy. Frederico is an ignorant man and so vain that it is easy to dupe him. Just mention Hippocrates, Galen, and Rambam and some diseases. Show your education and tell him that you are considered first among physicians.

Got it. I will speak about philosophy, mathematics, and other things where he can’t notice my blunders. Since this man is so vain and ignorant, I will do better than you expect. But first of all, get me some doctor’s clothes, because the way I am dressed now, I look like someone who sleeps under bridges.

Go quickly, bring a doctor because my daughter is very ill. Run!

You think she is ill? Of course, you want to marry her off to an old man. Don’t you think this illness comes from thinking too much of some game? Look at the difference between the two!²

Go quickly, because I worry that this illness may delay the wedding.

He is driving me crazy. When I tell him something, he responds as if he has not heard me. I can’t take it anymore. I need a doctor as much as she does.

Oh uncle, I am so glad to see you! I have good news for you. I have brought you the most knowledgeable doctor. He has come from foreign lands, where he studied. He has many books and will certainly cure your daughter. I was told about him at just the right time. He is so knowledgeable that I would also like to fall ill so that he would cure me.

Where is he?

He was following me. Here he is!

I am at your service, Senior doctor. I sent for you because I wanted you to see my daughter who is ill, and you are our only hope.

Rambam and Galen said, with reason, that one is not well when ill. You are right to place your hopes in me, because I am the greatest and most talented physician and the most knowledgeable in medicine, herbs, and ways of using them.

I am amazed!

You must not think that I am an ordinary doctor, some charlatan. Compared to me, all other doctors are apprentices. I know the secrets and mysteries of life. I know Latin. Listen, senior: Per omnia saecula saecularium.³ But I am wasting my time, you don’t understand anything. Let me check your pulse. I will see what you have.

But it is not he who is ill, it is his daughter.

It does not matter, the father’s blood is the same as the daughter’s. By checking the father’s blood, I can tell what the daughter’s illness is. Senior Frederico, can you show me your daughter’s urine?

Yes, of course. Esterina, bring me my daughter’s urine. [Esterina exits.] Senior doctor, I worry that my daughter may die.

Oh no! She must not die without doctor’s orders. [Esterina enters.]This urine shows fever, high temperature, and inflammation, but don’t worry, this is not dangerous.

What are you doing, Senior doctor? Why are you touching it?

Don’t be surprised, ordinary doctors just look at it. But being an extraordinary one, I touch it and thus determine the cause of the disease, its development, and the way to cure it. Now, it is necessary to make her bleed, as is recommended by our old and venerable system.

[Exits and comes back.] I tried hard to make her bleed.

What? Make her bleed profusely. Medicinus multus sangus.⁴ If everyone bleeds like this, I will regret having become a doctor.

[Exits and enters.] Here, this is all the blood I was able to get from her.

What? Senior Frederico, your daughter is in delicate health, but the art of medicine is going to cure her. Now I am going to prescribe her a diuretic, but before this, I would like to see the patient.

She is up already. I can bring her here, if you want.

Seniora, it seems you are ill?

Yes, Senior.

That’s exactly what I thought. The great physician Aristot [sic] in the chapter on animals relays a curious secret, which explains many diseases. For example, when a person’s gall expands all over his body, he becomes yellow. I can tell you another secret from the scholarly books: the worst thing for one’s health is illness. And the enemy of gladness is melancholy. It follows from all of this that your daughter is ill and that I must prescribe her treatment.

Quickly. Bring a table, an inkpot, ink, paper, and a pen.

Can anyone here write?

What? You cannot write?

My mind is so busy with various things that I have forgotten how to do it. Your daughter needs to spend some time in the country.

We have a beautiful garden with a nice house. If you want, I will send her there.

I must see this place. [They exit.]

They say that Senior Frederico’s daughter is ill. I must inquire about her health and offer my services as a family friend.

Hello! Hello!

Is Senior Frederico here?

I heard that your daughter was ill and came to offer my services in case you need them.

I have been here with the wisest man.

Would it be possible for me to talk to him for a minute?

This is a very wise and capable man, a friend of mine, and he would like to talk to you.

I am very busy, Senior Frederico. I need to see my patients. Forgive me, Senior Notary, for not being able to stay.

Senior, after what Senior Frederico has told me about you, your merits and wisdom, it has been my greatest desire to have the honor and privilege of meeting and greeting you. I hope you don’t have anything against this. Men engaged in sciences should be venerated, and especially those who study medicine, because this requires studying other sciences. This is why Hippocrates said in his book: Vita brevis, ars vero longa (Science is long, life is short).⁵

Of course! Vinum lactificatum cor humanum (Wine gladdens the human heart).⁶

You are not one of those physicians who is attached to one branch or school of medicine, and I think that you base your art on experience and reasoning. I disapprove of those who despise a doctor because he did not cure a patient, since life does not depend on him, and his goal is to help nature. Let me assure you, Senior doctor, that I like your views very much, because your profession is an honorable one, and in antiquity people like you were treated as gods. Forgive me for keeping you for so long. I am leaving you in the hope that we shall meet again. Goodbye. [Exits.]

What do you think of this man?

He knows a couple of things, but he left very quickly, or else I would have asked him a few questions about the subjects I have learned during my two years at school and from the books that I have at home, and you would have seen how confused he would have been. Forgive me for leaving now because I have to do a few things. [Fredericogives him money.] Oh, Senior, what are you doing?

I know how much I owe you.

Are you joking? I won’t accept it, I am not an ordinary man. [Takes the money.] Why trouble yourself with this? [They exit.]